To grow old with her beloved and to pass from this life together are the prayer and longing of every wife that loves. Not all get lucky though and are granted a happy-ever-after, some are simply blessed in a different way. Yesterday, I listened with a heavy heart as a dear friend recounted painfully her last few days with her husband. While she was sharing, it suddenly occured to me that grief is never the same for everyone for the very reason that we each have our own unique story of love and the breadth and depth of that love can’t be compared with another. So it is not right, even for me to say, I know exactly how she feels. I also realized that from the many stories of love I heard from fellow widows, one thing seems to be certain. It is, when there is love there is no such thing as too much, too little, too long, nor even too hard. And it is always, you are, we are, enough.
3 years later and I still remember everything like it was just yesterday: how I watched helplessly as the doctor shocked your heart back into rhythm. How I willed the flatlines to move. How I waited with bated breath for the current to bring back the light in your eyes. 38 years of momentum and then suddenly, a complete stop. I imagine the force it took to silence the last beat of your heart. It must have been so great because it flung you out far, too far where I can never reach you, except by remembering. Someday, death will come to stop me too, and I will give him a big fight. He will have to drain the entire universe of every star to hold my body down. And like how I planned it all along, I will be flung out to the heavens too at fullspeed, I will defy gravity, change tides, and slow down light. And I will search every inch of heaven until I find you.
It’s been a month since you’ve been gone but I still can’t get over the fact that you left me so suddenly, so soon, without even a proper goodbye. Had I known that that morning was the last time I will be seeing you, I wouldn’t have slept as soundly as I did in the car. I would have spent the remaining hours with you talking about the old times and the future like we used do. I would have stayed behind when all the girls have gone off to their classrooms to hug you much tighter, kiss you much longer and tell you how much I love you. I still wonder up to this day why you never bothered to rouse me from sleep that day like you always do in the morning, I was thinking was it because you didn’t want to say goodbye. I remember how goodbyes mean so much to you, how you would never leave the house without your customary kiss and “I love You” however near or far you’re going. It breaks my heart everytime I think about how you shed tears when you fell and had the heart attack, I imagined it was because you didn’t get the chance to say goodbye. Your friends had their last recollection of how you unusually waved goodbye to them that morning, but as far as me and Bianca are concerned, there wasn’t any. But I do understand dad, the call of God probably was so resounding, something you cannot ignore, that you had to heed and leave everything behind.
I miss you every minute of every day. I miss the comfort that your presence brings. I miss our early morning ritual of tender hugs that always reassures me that everything is right in my world. I miss your infectious smile and your belly laughs that make my heart dance. I miss your kisses that never fail to make me tingle and giggle with glee. I miss going on secret dates with you. I miss our snuggles and cuddles in bed. I miss holding hands with you under the covers. I miss sleeping on your chest at night. I miss you reaching out to me in sleep to pull me for a hug. I miss our quiet intimacy. I miss waking to your voice. I miss your texts and I love You calls. I miss you waiting up for me from my Saturday classes so we can have lunch together. I miss seeing your welcoming face in gate 3. I miss your mischievousness, your jokes, your pranks, and your smart ass comments. I miss teasing you and making you laugh. I miss you.
I have always wondered why we always had to do things in a rush, the way we got married and had a baby, the way you switched jobs in pursuit of your dreams. But then, I do understand now, it’s because you had little time to do everything. It was a life well lived dad and I am glad to be a big part of it. I still marvel at the number of people who came to pay their last respect to you. They came in droves and there was not a dry eye in church during your funeral. A lot of people felt your loss. They still continue to come to me even up to this day to tell me how you have touched their lives, how you had shown kindness to them. I marvel at the magnanimity of your heart and its capacity to love and care till the end.
I remember our conversation the night before you died, you asked me if we were happy even if its just the four of us, yes we were happy dad. You made all of us happy, you made me happy. I never really knew what happiness was until I met you. If there was one decision that I am proud of and never regret doing, its the decision of marrying you. You have been the best partner even if I wasn’t most of the time. You are my happiness, my dream come true, my prince charming, my happily ever after, my knight in shining armor, but most importantly my better half, my man, my best friend. I am proud to be called your wife and the mother of your child.
Surprisingly dad, this is one instance that I am not mad at you. I know I should be since you left me high and dry but then I understand why you had to go. You have come full circle, you’ve made your dreams come true, you have accomplished what you and God have set yourself to do. I understand that you need to rest baby after the tireless way you have shown how much you love and care for us, your family. Though it breaks my heart to let you go, I did since the day God took you back. Like I always remind myself, you’re not mine to keep however hard I tried. I only had one fear in life before and that is to loose you, and since that fear had been realized, my fear now is not to see you and be with you in heaven when my time comes. Never in my life had I imagined that I will grow old alone, I always picture old age with you. I held on to your promise that you would take care of me when we’re old. I guess when that time comes, I will just content myself with telling stories about how I was once married to the sweetest, most loving and devoted husband to our grandchilren.
Don’t worry about Bianca dad, I will take care of her, the way you would have wanted, the way we’ve always wanted. Don’t worry about me, I will be fine. It may take a while before the sting in my heart goes away, but I will be fine. Everytime I think of you I can’t help but cry, smile and laugh as I remember the good times, the fun times, the silly times. If I close my eyes, I get to travel back to the time that we’re together and I can almost feel again that love, that togetherness, that simple joy of being with you. You’ve left me with so much good memories dad, memories that I know will get me through the tough times ahead.
My future looks lonely without you in the picture dad, but if there’s one thing you have taught me, it is to be happy. Someday, I promise I will get to that place again, but for now, allow me to weep for I yearn for your presence still. I will always love you and will hold your memories close to my heart. I will never get tired of telling people how I found my happiness with you. I will never get tired of telling people that once I was happily married to a good man who spent his lifetime making me feel adored, cherished, and loved.
I love you every second, of every minute, of every hour, of everyday. Thank you for loving me, life with you was pure bliss. Till we meet again baby, I promise you I will get myself to heaven so we can see each other again.
This was taken about three or four weeks ago, during one of those perfect afternoon when we can’t help but smile silly because we were just damned happy. Actually, August for some reason was extraordinarily special. My husband made an effort to be extra sweet, extra attentive, and extra fun last month. It was simply our happiest month, with my birthday,the long weekends, the everyday togetherness, it was just simply perfect, or so I thought.
Two days before August ended, my husband died of massive heart attack and I have died a thousand death since then too. In the blink of an eye, the man who is my world, my universe, my life was gone forever.
Never in my wildest dream had I imagined that we will be apart too soon, too fast. I imagined us celebrating many birthdays and anniversaries together. I had always imagined us growing old together. But unknown to us, God has other plans.
For 12 years I have kept him to myself, close to my heart, as much as I can. Our world revolved around each other. But in the end, I know he’s not mine to keep. He belonged to the Lord, and I have to accept that as hard as it may seem, as painful as it may seem.
Now I begin my journey alone, without my man on my side. In God’s perfect time, I know I will eventually reach that place where I can safely say that I am finally okay. It may take months, years, I don’t know, the only thing I know is that the wonderful wonderful memories that he left me will bring me there.