That moment when your 15 year old daughter gives you a long talk about her plans, hopes, and dreams for senior high school, college, and sigh, the future. You sit there and listen as she shares passionately how she wants to be a Medical Technologist and eventually a Pediatric Oncologist because she wants to help children with cancer like her, and you think silently, I’m not ready yet emotionally, mentally, and yes, financially to let you go. You stare at her with your mouth wide open, and wonder to yourself, where the hell did your crying, scrawny little kid go, and when exactly did this sensible, level headed teenager take over?! So many thoughts running in your head and so many conflicting emotions fighting their way into your poor mommy heart. But then, you continue to sit there and let yourself have it, and when she finally said, “What do you think mommy?!” You just nod your head and mutter, “Gee, that’s some plan,” and you go hug her and tell her you’ll support her. You stand up with a big brave smile on your face and watch as she leaves excitedly to search for some senior high school scholarship program. You brace yourself as the usual painful twist in your heart comes and quietly whisper, “Oh Lord what do we do now?!” Happy Father’s Day to me. ????
Tag: chronicles of a reluctant widow
My sweet man, I will forever mourn for “us” and for the happy years that will never be. I may have learned to live with this pain but I will never completely get over your loss. Everytime I hear a too familiar song, chance upon our favorite spot, or catch a whiff of your perfume…everytime Bianca and I celebrate a milestone or make a dream come true, you still come alive in my heart. There is no end to my grief because there’s no end to my love for you. Know that wherever this life takes me, I will always carry you in my heart.???? Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
To grow old with her beloved and to pass from this life together are the prayer and longing of every wife that loves. Not all get lucky though and are granted a happy-ever-after, some are simply blessed in a different way. Yesterday, I listened with a heavy heart as a dear friend recounted painfully her last few days with her husband. While she was sharing, it suddenly occured to me that grief is never the same for everyone for the very reason that we each have our own unique story of love and the breadth and depth of that love can’t be compared with another. So it is not right, even for me to say, I know exactly how she feels. I also realized that from the many stories of love I heard from fellow widows, one thing seems to be certain. It is, when there is love there is no such thing as too much, too little, too long, nor even too hard. And it is always, you are, we are, enough.
3 years later and I still remember everything like it was just yesterday: how I watched helplessly as the doctor shocked your heart back into rhythm. How I willed the flatlines to move. How I waited with bated breath for the current to bring back the light in your eyes. 38 years of momentum and then suddenly, a complete stop. I imagine the force it took to silence the last beat of your heart. It must have been so great because it flung you out far, too far where I can never reach you, except by remembering. Someday, death will come to stop me too, and I will give him a big fight. He will have to drain the entire universe of every star to hold my body down. And like how I planned it all along, I will be flung out to the heavens too at fullspeed, I will defy gravity, change tides, and slow down light. And I will search every inch of heaven until I find you.
Build a small house with a rose garden. Be owned by cuddly dogs. Surround myself with my little and my big loves. Fall asleep to butterfly kisses and wake up to warm hugs. Grow old with the person I hold dear in my heart. Write and then write some more. Smile and laugh a lot. This life. It won’t be perfect and it won’t always be easy. But, it will be mine and I will be happy. That’s the plan. That’s the want.
Happy 12th birthday baby, you’re my dream come true and I thank the Lord everyday for giving me YOU.
Here’s 12 Things I Love About You:
1. I love how you literally sparkle and how you just seem to dazzle everyone with your smile. People often tells me how pretty you are, I say they haven’t seen you at your “prettiest best ” because they haven’t witness yet how your eyes light up like the sun and how your lips widen into that beautiful smile as you slowly wake up from deep slumber.
2. I love how you always see the good in everyone and how nothing, not even daddy’s death, can steal away your sunshine.
3. I love how you were able balance daddy and me when he was still alive. You always seem to know the right words to say and the right thing to do when you catch us bickering like old love sick fools. Haha!
4. I love how you’re not afraid to try new things and how you are open to great possibilties. I have to admit, you are braver, smarter, and clever than me when I was your age.
5. I love how you can easily make friends and how you value the friendships you’ve made. For you, friends are for keeps no matter how annoying they can be.
6. I love (and hate) how gullible you are. It’s shows your trusting and humble personality. You never pass yourself up as more intelligent and beautiful than the rest of them even when at certain points you were.
7. I love how you always do what we say even when you would have wanted to do otherwise. You always have deep respect for us your parents.
8. I love how you never demand things from us and how you manage to be happy with whatever we can give you.
9. I love how sensitive you are to other people’s feelings and how you manage to adjust yourself to their needs.
10. I love how you became my pillar of strength during the time of daddy’s passing. It was because you understood that I had to cry, you understood that I had to go through a long period of depression, you understood that I had to go through grief that I was able to come out of it stronger and better than I was before the tragedy.
11. I love how you never expected me to take daddy’s place and how you never demanded that I’d be more than what I already am after daddy died. It is because you love me more and expect from me less that I strive everyday to give you the best.
12. I love how you always include me in your future and how you always promise me that when you grow up you will give me wealth beyond measure and how you will show me the world.
Bianca Angela, I am the wealthiest mommy alive right now because I have the most precious gem in the world, you. And I don’t really need to see the world, any place in the world as long as I’m with you will do.
Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia—I was having second thoughts commuting to Genting Highlands a while ago. I was not sold to the idea of venturing out of the city on our own after receiving well meaning advices and warnings from friends. And so I have decided to arrange the trip using the the hotel tour service for my own peace of mind. The tour guide/driver who assisted us was surprisingly this kind old soul who was very accomodating and attentive to our needs, from securing tickets to showing us where to go and what to do. He was with his equally kind wife. When another driver picked us up this afternoon, I was surprised to learn that the old man who drove for us today is the big boss of the tour service that I hired. They were all surprised in fact when he accepted the booking and drove himself. On most days when they are fully booked they normally turn down bookings. I was humbled by the thought and truly grateful of the gesture.
We had a grand time at Genting Highlands, thanks to these two angels who are clearly heavensent. I’m obviously living out from the generosity of people around here and there really seem to be some kind of mighty force making it possible for things to happen for us here. 🙂
I am almost sad to see this week end. It was a week full of surprises, promises fulfilled, overflowing blessings, and divine providence. But then, I can’t wait for next week to come also. Here’s why…
About two years ago, my husband and I found ourselves at the Skypark of Marina Bay Sands, our dream destination at that time. And so this is how our conversation went:
Nan: Be, san mo pa gusto pumunta? (Be, where else do you want to go?)
Me: Sa Paris, gusto ko makita Eiffel Tower (Paris cause I want to see the Eiffel Tower)
Nan: Ahahaha, di ata kita kaya dalin sa Paris, wala ba mas malapit dito yung mala Eiffel Tower? (I don’t think I can afford to bring you to Paris, is there any place close to here that is almost like the Eiffel Tower?)
Me: (while pointing at the whole Singapore Skyline) Dun, nakikita mo dun sa banda dun, sa Kuala Lumpur me Petronas, dun na lang. (There see that, there’s the Petronas in Kuala Lumpur, you can bring me there instead)
Nan: (habang nakatingin sa kawalan) Petronas, kaya kita dalin don. Pupunta tayo don. (Petronas, I can bring you there. We will go there.)
We never made it to Petronas together but it looks like I will be seeing it with my daughter, just like he promised.
Somehow I ended up a runner up in a writing contest sponsored by Fitflop Philippines and since one of the grand prize winner couldn’t make it, based on the rules of the contest, the runner up will take her place instead. And the prize? An all expense paid trip for two to Kuala Lumpur Malaysia with pocket money and other freebies. Never in my wildest dream did I ever imagine myself being the recipient of such blessings. Stroke of good luck, divine intervention, happy coincidence? Maybe yes but I do know and I do feel in my hearts of hearts that my husband had a hand in all this. Call me crazy but I would like to think that yes, miracles do happen, promises can still be fulfilled even after death and love never ends. 🙂
Photo source: http://google.com