Category: Chronicles of a Reluctant Widow

Happy New Year!

Wherever you may find yourself this new year, may love, compassion, and kindness motivate and move you. Be a goal digger, opportunity seeker, and dream keeper this 2018. Grab every difficult task that comes your way, even the ones that you would rather not do, takes the most effort, causes the most pain, and is the greatest struggle, for they hold the miraculous secret to strength and unleash the beauty of God’s amazing grace.
If you ever find yourself in deep darkness because God is working in strange and mysterious ways, do not be afraid. Instead, rise up in faith and in love, never doubting Him, for His plan for you, even if they are presented differently at the start, is as always, great. As you move forward to this year, embracing the days, the months, and the seasons, may this thought always remain with you: No matter what happens, life is good, God is good, He loves you. ❤️😍

Happy Father's Day

I remember how my relatives smiled in amusement when I introduced Nan to them for the first time. Not because his features were funny but because he looked like my dad, the resemblance was uncanny. I was not really aware of it until people started pointing out to me how similar they were in looks.
Funny because when I was choosing the right man for me, I made sure to pick someone who was the complete opposite of my dad, humurous, warm, flexible, and friendly. Later on I realized, these were what made Nan atttractive to me but then, what made me really love him actually was the way he cherished, loved, and cared for me and Bianca. It was the same way my dad cherished, loved, and cared for me. Everytime he looked at me or Bianca, it was always with the same adoring eyes as my daddy.
They may be poles apart when it comes to personality but their hearts beat the same, they beat for family. I am indeed blessed to have been loved by these two great men.
Tonight, I pray for all the fathers. May the good Lord always bless and guide them. May they always set the bar high for love so that when the time comes, their daughters won’t settle for a love less than what they deserve.????????

Good Grief

A random stranger who came across a past article I wrote messaged me today to ask this pressing question, How long will my grief last? It turns out today is the 2nd death anniversary of her husband. For a while there, I was at a loss for words.
The way I understand it is that, grief is never the same for everyone. The amount of grief one feels after a loss equals the amount of love one has for his beloved who passed away. Its been four and half years since Nan died and honestly, I am not totally over the grief and the loss yet.
This grief or sorrow is something that just stays with you. It settles quietly in your heart, unmoving at times, until something triggers it and pushes it up again forward. Usually a memory that would hit you so hard, it would knock the wind out of you, leaving only in its aftermath that familiar painful twist in your heart.
Eventually, you’ll learn to live with this grief and actually welcome it at anytime because somehow it also pushes something good forward, which is joy. Joy that would make you go through life grateful. Grateful that you have loved and been loved by that person. Grateful that you are still alive to celebrate fully for the both of you what is left of life after your beloved has gone.
Today, my prayers are with the widows, orphans, and survivors of all the beloved who passed away.

Prom 

Today, my daughter, Biancs, attends her first prom, excited and totally resolved to make it one of the best nights of her high school life. I know there will be more prom nights or dates to come but this one is quite special because this is the first time I’ve seen her literally glowing like a princess. There’s hardly any trace of the pain and discomfort she’s been through the past years, only a beautiful sparkle coming from her very own brilliant light.
Eversince her daddy died, I’ve been working so hard to raise her into this independent, well rounded, and self-assured person, who is compassionate towards others and passionate about her love for the Lord. But truth to tell, this work is not really meant to be done by a single parent alone. It does take a village to raise a child. Luckily, I have a strong community of family and friends co-parenting with me, making sure Bianca is well taken cared off and does not miss out on anything. Tonight I share this special moment with my close friends, BCBP family, and Bianca’s lolos and lolas, titos and titas, godmothers, “fairy godmothers,” and doctors. We’ve done a good job so far. Thank you very very much for always stepping in to help. 
To the boy who took my Bianca to her first (prom) date tonight. I’ve been praying for you for years. Believe me, I pray for these things too and the Lord didn’t disappoint once again. He sent someone who isn’t promising her the moon and the stars, just the possibility of a beautiful friendship. Like what I’ve always prayed Bianca’s first (prom) date to be. Thank you for being every inch a gentleman. Your parents have indeed raised you well. You are exactly what I’ve been hoping you to be, a heaven sent. 

I carry you with me, I carry you in my heart.

16 years ago, I remember walking down the aisle towards this man I promised to love forever. He stood there waiting anxiously at the altar for me and when our eyes met, I clearly remember how we both smiled at each other in great relief. We thought we’d never make it. This lives in my memory. If there is a moment between my dream and waking up, a moment I want to stay frozen in time, this is one of them. Today, I remember and I guess for the rest of my life I’ll always remember how on this day, many moons ago, I married a guy who spent a significant part of his lifetime showing me how deeply adored, cherished, and loved I am. For this, I am eternally grateful.
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To my dear sweetheart, I hope my love and prayers, and not my grief and sorrow, reach you tonight for I want nothing more than for you to be truly happy there in heaven. The best years of my life are still the ones I spent with you. Know that wherever this life takes me, I’ll carry your heart with me, I’ll carry it in my heart. Happy wedding anniversary. ????

Good Housekeeping Feature

I’ve always believed that it is FAITH rather than FATE which brought me to where I am now. My dear friends, this my Post-Nan story, an ode to my God whose grace alone brought me this far.
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I am inviting you all to read and share this to widows and single parents that you know so they too will realize that grief and sorrow, they are not what a widow’s story is all about. Triumph of the human spirit is. Special thanks to Good Housekeeping Philippines for inviting me to share my story in this month’s issue of GH. Please grab a copy.????

Happy Father's Day To Me

That moment when your 15 year old daughter gives you a long talk about her plans, hopes, and dreams for senior high school, college, and sigh, the future. You sit there and listen as she shares passionately how she wants to be a Medical Technologist and eventually a Pediatric Oncologist because she wants to help children with cancer like her, and you think silently, I’m not ready yet emotionally, mentally, and yes, financially to let you go. You stare at her with your mouth wide open, and wonder to yourself, where the hell did your crying, scrawny little kid go, and when exactly did this sensible, level headed teenager take over?! So many thoughts running in your head and so many conflicting emotions fighting their way into your poor mommy heart. But then, you continue to sit there and let yourself have it, and when she finally said, “What do you think mommy?!” You just nod your head and mutter, “Gee, that’s some plan,” and you go hug her and tell her you’ll support her. You stand up with a big brave smile on your face and watch as she leaves excitedly to search for some senior high school scholarship program. You brace yourself as the usual painful twist in your heart comes and quietly whisper, “Oh Lord what do we do now?!” Happy Father’s Day to me. ????

I Am Healed

Singapore-“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
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For the past three years I have turned down invitation from my sister to visit her here in Singapore for the simple reason that I had such great memories with Nan here, I thought returning would be too difficult. This was our last trip together before he passed away. It was for a time our little playground, our home away from home. Yesterday, our first day here, we walked the streets of Woodlands and saw the grocery store where Nan used to disappear to do his market for the day. We spent the day at Universal Studios where Nan and I went crazy and silly together. In the coming days we’ll be retracing and going back to the places where we once have been with him and to new ones where he would have love to go. He was a happy camper, a great travel buddy, always wanting to try the local food and rides, always making sure my mom is comfortable in her wheelchair. I will forever miss him. The wonderful memories hit me so hard yesterday that I braced myself a couple of times for that usual painful twist in my heart to come. None came. Looks like, I am healed.????

Eclipse

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Sometimes I think of the sun and the moon as lovers. Though they rarely meet, they continue to chase each other but almost always, miss one another. But once in a while they do catch up, embrace, and kiss. When this happens, the world stares in awe of their eclipse.