Aside from the funeral, today is perhaps the most difficult Sunday of my life because today my husband and I would have been 12 years. I’ve always thought that we would grow old together but I guess God planned for me to grow old alone because maybe he needed Nan more in heaven. When my husband died, I never really questioned God why he took him away from me that fast because I always knew in my heart all along that he wasn’t mine to keep in the first place, he was the Lord’s.
To my dear God, I don’t hold any bitterness in my heart for You despite my grief and longing for my husband, only gratefulness to You for choosing Nan to be my better half and giving us ample time to make wonderful memories before you took  him back.
To my man, my better half, and my bestfriend, Nan, I cry for the years that we would’ve have spent loving each other more. Years that I could’ve spent making you happy.  I can only wish and imagine hugging you tight and kissing you back right now. The 12 wonderful years with you were the best years of my life. Like what I always say, life with you was pure bliss.  Sometimes I look up in the sky and imagine you there looking down at me from heaven or I just close my eyes and  remember all that we were.  If I was given a choice that day when you died if I would keep you or let you go, if the Lord left it all up to me, I would still choose to let you go because I know in my heart that I could never give you the kind of happiness that you now enjoy with the Lord no matter how hard I’ll try. Don’t worry about me, about us, we will be okay. I have your friends, my friends and our families to get me through christmas, new year, birthday, Bianca’s graduation, debut, and wedding etc.
It feels so lonely here without you but then again just the thought that you are now at peace with the Lord, makes these loneliness all worthwhile. We never got the chance to renew our wedding vows just like you’ve always planned and wanted for our 15th year, there just wasn’t that much time anymore, so I just made us a post-nuptial video.

Know that you will always be in my heart forever and I love you to heaven and back.

5 comments on “To Heaven and Back”

  1. I know how special he is to you.
    I understand how painful it is, losing someone so dear to you.
    I’m really sorry for your loss. May God ease the pain in your heart.

  2. I was shocked when I check my emails and open ur email from ur blog.. feel aweful.. lonely, way too similar as u r.. i guess.. it was a surprise and relief after reading the whole thing you said thou because you are at heart that you truly let go of your so much beloved.. but i feel hurt and wanting to sympathize for the fact that 12 years is such a short while to spend with.. but you are right, only our dear God knows and has the right to take us from here on earth. I dont knw what to say, this words are just coming from my keyboards. I just wanted to extend my heartfelt sympathy my condolences to you and ur family who was left behind. I pray more that God will guide and protect you along the way..

  3. Your post made me appreciate my husband more. We really don’t get along and have almost separated, but I realized that life would be truly empty if I did lose him. Just always trust that God has a reason for everything He does and that He has still good plans for you and your daughter. Praying for you. 🙂

  4. Losing a loved one may be the most painful thing that we’ll ever go through. The degree of pain that each may feel may differ, but He will always be there to see you through.

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