For quite sometime, I had been under the illusion that I still possess that skinny body I used to have when I walked down the isle with my husband 9 years ago. I remember that everytime the mirror screams fatness at me, I turned a blind eye on that image. When people would say, you’ve gained, I listened with deaf ears. When my close friends (who I know just mean well) warn me of my constant ballooning, I dismissed them as just mere criticism on my persona. Sure I go through bouts of depression everytime I won’t fit into that nice blouse and cool jeans, but that is how far it went. I never did anything. I still enjoyed my meal like there’s no tomorrow, with second and third helping at that. I would still guiltlessly eat junk food with iced cold softdrinks like they were the next best thing that happened to me. And I would still have second helpings of dessert with a lame excuse, I deserve some treat (like every meal?). In short, I was stuck in that negative pattern, until my health caught up with me.
Looking back, I realized that God never failed to drop little hints my way. Red warning signals like having an unstable blood pressure at this young age of 31, vertigo that suddenly developed out of nowhere, back pains due to scoliosis that would come frequently, or tummy ache that occur most often and refused to go away. Tell tale signs that I am abusing my body that I would choose to ignore. Until the day I received my ultrasound which showed too much fat and a simple cyst forming in one of my organs. Succeeding ultrasounds confirmed the cyst growing in centimeters and then later on developing into a solid mass. To say I was shaken was to put it mildly. Being sick at this ripe age of 31, when there’s still so much great possibilities in store for me , is something I don’t want to happen and so I took a tentative step towards change.
My eating habits and lifestyle underwent a total make over. I added fruits and vegetables in my must eats, started reading up stuffs that would help me get back in shape and began an afternoon ritual of one-hour walk everyday on top of the daily exercises that I had to do for my scoliosis. It wasn’t easy, for the most part, it was frustrating. There were times when I was just about ready to give up. There came a point when I became weak and gave in to my cravings of unhealthy food. There were moments when I would question the whole point of all that I set myself to do. There were also those instances when I get discouraged hearing all the sarcastic comments coming from friends, questioning the sincerity of my actions. It didn’t help that the medical results initially showed minimal and almost no improvement at all too. I guess what got me through is that deep down inside I know I had to do this, because I owe it to myself. It took me many misses and turns before I was finally on the right track, but I am glad I forced and willed myself to do it.
I started out as wanting to shed some of my unhealthy fats but then now, I feel like I’m going to end up with more than just a healthy body. For by trying my shot at change, I discovered a lot of things about myself that I never would have thought I am capable of. I learned to practice patience, of putting on much effort and time before expecting or reaping the results. I learned to have more self-control, of saying no to things that would give me great satisfaction in an instant but then probably a whole lifetime of regrets after. I learned to sacrifice, of letting go of things that I badly want in order for me to attain the things I truly need. I learned to embrace acceptance, of acknowledging the fact that there are things in me that need to change if I want to become a better version of me. And I learned to take responsibility, of owning up to my past actions that placed me in this difficult situation and actually doing something about it.
I am still halfway in my journey towards change. I still have a long way to go. I am still far from the healthy me that I set myself to be. But I know I am getting there in no time. If there’s one thing I realized, it is that change, you have to give it time. It is not something you can have in an instant. It is a long process because it doesn’t just happen on its own, you have to make it happen with all your heart, with all you’ve got. Everyday you have to fight for it and struggle for it to reach your goal. And change is something you do not do alone, you need all the help you can get. My family and close friends for one thing are always there behind me, cheering me on and accompanying me in this journey towards change. And I believe that God is ever present even from the start to give me little miracles everyday to motivate me even more. Recently I underwent a CT scan, to confirm the nature of the mass in my internal organ. To my and the doctor’s surprise the CT scan read no mass or cyst at all. So many theories and speculations but to me it is just pure divine intervention. You see, God has laid the path before me, all I need to do is follow. The path to change might look endless at this point but I am willing go the extra mile just to be the HEALTHY ME that God, my family and most importantly myself would be proud to see become eventually.